No Throw-Away Questions

i don't know if you feel this way, but i am often faced with the realization that, for me, there are no throw-away questions. That is, whenever someone asks what would normally be a rhetorical question, i feel compelled to try to answer it, even if only to myself. As an example, i was recently with some friends, one of which is one of seven brothers in his family (no sisters). Another friend said, "Wow, what are the odds of that?" i'm pretty sure he just meant that seven children of one gender is a rare occurrence, and worth noting. My brain, however, had to answer the question:

Well, as long as we accept that the probability for a boy is 50%, then the probability of having seven boys (given that you are having seven children) is 1/2^7, which is 1/128, or a little less than 1%. If the question was asking what the odds are that all the children were the same gender, boy or girl, than that increases the probability to 1/64, or less than 2%. Of course, the question could also be, "What are the odds of meeting someone who is one of seven brothers with no sisters?" In that case, you'd need to know the distribution of family size... Or i could just assume that the question meant, "What are the odds that our friend is one of seven brothers?" That's easy! 100% That's my final answer.

Thankfully, i've trained myself so that this conversation is internal and not released on the general public (for the most part - i do know some people who would be exposed to those thoughts (my wife, for one - i'm so grateful for a nerdy wife!)). i've also trained myself on some elements of social etiquette. When i pass someone in the hall at work and they ask me how i'm doing, i just say, "Good." and that's that, rather than thinking for 10 seconds and then telling them how i'm really doing. i have come to understand that they don't actually want to know how i'm doing. Unfortunately (and this happens almost every time), five seconds after we've had our short pseudo-conversation, i remember that the other half of said social discourse is that i ask them how they're doing. By that time it's too late, so i leave everyone thinking (correctly) that i'm only half way to courteous. My problem is that i don't really care how they're doing. Or rather, i don't care to spend time stopping in a hallway to hear how they're doing (i usually would be glad to listen to them if they really wanted to tell me about their life). So i don't ask, and it's only after we're separated by a good 5 meters that i realize that i should have asked anyway. Really, this happens at least 90% of the time. Is there something wrong with me (short answer - yes)?

i think that's why i've had so much trouble in the past with small talk. i have trouble translating the fact that i desire a relationship with a person into a desire to talk about random topics. i'm actually much better now than i used to be - i don't mind a small dose of small talk, but i'm still bad at generating it myself. i now enjoy a good conversation with my friends, even the parts that are small talk-y, because i value their thoughts and their relationships. i still have a hard time with people i don't know as well, though. Does anyone else have this problem?

Recall

i'm sure you've noticed that you recall some things much easier than others. At least i do. Maybe you recall everything perfectly. If so, remind me never to play Trivial Pursuit with you. If you're like me, though, you depend on some combination of association and indexing for most of your recall needs.

Most of us are familiar with free association games. If you are asked to say the first word that pops into your mind when hearing the word red, you might say apple. i might think fire truck. Someone else might respond with 650 nm (if you ever play this game with Techers, be prepared for some really random associations). Even better is playing non-sequitur, where you have to say a word that is not related to the word just said by someone else. It's actually very hard to keep up, especially if you're trying to be fast, and reveals the power associations have in our brains.

<grossGeneralization apologiesTo="Dan" >Our brains are made up of billions of neurons, each with many connections to other neurons via synapses. When a neuron is activated, it communicates its activation to its synaptically connected neurons, which may or may not activate them as well. The more a certain activation pathway is used, the more likely that it will be activated in the future.</grossGeneralization> i like to think that association works the same way, but on a larger scale (i think that makes it homologous, but i'm not absolutely sure. Maybe analagous is a better term?). On this scale, your brain is made up of a bunch of different words or concepts, with connections of varying strength to other words or concepts. So when you hear the word house, you might think of a door and see an image of your own house, which reminds you of other houses you have lived in, and so on down rabbit trails and off on tangents. i think that tangents, then, could be explained as particularly strong associations down which you are easily led (or just enjoy following). Some humor, as well, could be defined as finding somewhat obscure associations and raising our awareness of them. As with neurons, these connections between words/concepts grow stronger the more we use them together and weaken over time if not used.

Personally, i find that i do free association very well, particularly in the context of multiple choice questions. It's a big part of the reason i do well on standardized tests (honestly not that great of a skill - i don't have standardized tests at work, and Gavin didn't come with one either). Over time and repeated practice, i have learned to 'trust my gut' when faced with a question that i might not know a lot about. As long as i have run across the information asked for, it is possible that i will lean towards the correct answer. This is by no means infallible, but i tend to do better than random, even when i don't really know anything about the subject. i just have these faint associations calling out, "Pick me!" The more information given, the better we tend to do (in general), because we have a greater number of possible paths to light up the correct answer (as long as our initial associations are good - it's easy to pick up bad associations). That isn't always true, though, because sometimes the information might be given in order to lead us off the mark. Framing a question differently can often lead to different answers. A Pavlovian response is also the product of a strong association that may not be based in any rational method. When i hear a fire alarm, i think doughnuts. i can feel the tangents pulling me all over the place. Must. Stay. On. Track.

Indexing is a much less commonly used idiom for memory recall. It might not really be used at all, but i'm going to manipulate the term until it means what i say it means. When i say indexing, i think of databases (there goes that association thing again). One of the most common ways to speed up the response time of a database is to use indexes. <grossGeneralization apologiesTo="DBAs, anyone who actually reads this" >When a database table is created, it doesn't know how you want to search it. For example, i can create a table called Friends, and it has fields for first_name, last_name, and coolness (no, i don't rate my friends like this, it's a much more complex algorithm). When i want to find all friends with a coolness greater than 5, the database has to go through each record in the table to compile my list. Alternatively, i can tell the database to index the coolness field. The database will then keep a separate structure of the coolness values, along with which rows they relate to. It gets a bit complex in implementation, but the basic idea is that searching that separate structure is much faster than searching the entire table. </grossGeneralization>

i think that our brains index as well. As an example, think of the rooms in your house. You likely can come up with a comprehensive list fairly quickly. Yes, there is association going on here. Maybe it's all association under the hood. But when coming up with lists, some constraints make it easier than others. It's easy to think of boy names that begin with B - Brian, Bill, Bob, Bart, ... But try to come up with a list of boy names where R is the second letter (admittedly a smaller pool) - Arthur, Brian (by looking at my previous list), and i quickly degenerate into trying random sets of syllables (Dray... Draw... Drew - that's a name!). i can feel my brain stuttering. i can't constrain my search set well, so it feels like i need to examine each name out of all boy names to see if the second letter is R. i simply don't index names by second letter. i suppose you could say i don't have strong second-letter associations, but i find it slightly easier to think about it as indexes. i think a lot of memorization falls under the indexed category - the strongly associated set. Presidents of the USA. Noble gases. Elementary particles.

So, let's outline some different questions that apply to association and indexing to different degrees:

Free Association:
Question: Name 5 words you associate with green
Difficulty: easy

• Grass
• Oscar the Grouch
• Go (traffic signal)
• Felt
• Gavin's Bumbo

A lot of variation here

---

Constrained Free Association:
Question: Name 5 blue things from college
Difficulty: medium

• Blue Books
• Tommy
• Merzbacher
• Jackson
• The paper around those white erasers

Easier once i came up with a theme (textbooks - basically turning it partially into an index)

---

Non-Sequitur:
Question: Name 5 things that aren't associated with movies
Difficulty: medium-hard (mental thrashing)

• Computer monitors
• Sudoku
• Log cabins
• Leap frog
• Gardening

It's hard to come up with things that aren't associated in some way. i'm not satisfied with the list i came up with, and i ended up not using a lot of the ideas that i did think of. It's so easy to come up with association paths ( sudoku -> crosswords -> didn't they make a movie about crossword aficianados? If not, then -> scrabble, and i know they made a movie about big scrabble tournaments).

---

Simple Indexing:
Question: Name 5 authors in your bookcase
Difficulty: easy

• Isaac Asimov
• Orson Scott Card
• David Eddings
• Frank Herbert
• JRR Tolkien

For this one, i almost look through my shelves to make the list. i know more or less where the particular authors are located, and it's basically an exercise in 'looking' at the shelves in my mind.

---

Bad Indexing:
Question: Name 5 book titles that include the word Free
Difficulty: hard-impossible

• ?
• ?
• ?
• ?
• ?

i am pretty much terrible at this sort of thing. Doesn't work for me at all.

The last one

Why is it considered impolite to eat the last one of something? It could be the last piece of pie, the last pickle in a jar, even the last chip in a bowl. It seems to take on some psychic weight, as people avoid it and wait for it to, what, disappear on its own? Sometimes someone will even make a general request for someone to take the last one, but they won't be the one to do it. Maybe the most prominent case in my own life is Michelle's family. When i lived with them, they would leave the last spoonful of peas in one dish and the last slice of ham in another. i ended up finishing most of the dishes off. i'm not sure who finishes them off now. Sometimes it seemed like if there were twenty-five skittles in a bowl, and i took twenty, whoever was eating the skittles with me would take four. i realize that it isn't a big deal. It's just a minor pet peeve of mine. And i do behave in the same manner myself, from time to time. So, the next time you see one of something left on a platter, ease everyone's righteously abstaining angst and just take it.

Comfort

i live a wonderful life. i have a family that i absolutely adore (including extended). i work at a job doing something that interests me with a lot of freedom for exploration and learning, and it isn't too demanding on my time. i have great friends. i live in a great house in one of the best cities in the country, with weather that is just about perfect for me. i am loved by an Awesome God.

Overall, i have a very comfortable life. But what if there is something better than comfortable? It seems like i learn and grow the most when i am placed in situations that are not comfortable for me. Maybe it's getting up in front of a group of people to give a presentation. Maybe it's dealing with loss: loved one, house.... i have found that often those difficult times draw me into closer relationship with the people around me - i realize that i can't do things alone. Looking back at the events in my life, it definitely seems that those have been the most rewarding times.

Yet i continue to approach life in such a way as to maximize my current comfort level. Maybe it's partially my personality. i'm the even-keeled one, the perfectionist who doesn't like doing things that are too hard becaus i might fail, the person who magnifies risks and minimizes rewards. i tend to prefer staying at my own level of comfort/happiness/joy rather than risk the temporary hardship that may result in a higher overall level in the future. i'm a local maximizer. Actually, that might be a good way to look at it (if you're a nerd). If i'm acting as some algorithm (neural net, ...) that is trying to find a maximum, my randomization factor is pretty low. That is, the amount that i'm willing to jump away from my current local maximum is fairly small, so i end up just crawling right back to the same local maximum rather than finding another one. Occasionally, i'll take a larger jump (or be pushed), but it is fairly rare. Thankfully, i have relationships with people who are willing to give me that push once in a while. The Lord is quite willing to do that as well. (Aside: you should check out Over the Rhine. As i'm typing, a song of theirs comes up in iTunes called, appropriately, "Changes Come". Their music is beautiful, and their lyrics are top notch. Oh, and Karin Bergquist can sing, too.)

i can analyze all this to death, but will i actually do anything about it? i'm not actually sure, because i don't want to just jump for the sake of jumping. Maybe part of it is just being aware and receptive to opportunities that may stretch me, rather than dismissing them immediately. One thing i'm sure of is that i don't want to stagnate - to stop learning, growing, feeling. i don't think i've been terrible at it to this point, but i do think i could improve in stepping outside my comfort zone. We'll see what actually happens...

Halloween

We just had our annual Halloween lunch here at my company. i had forgotten how uncomfortable it makes me. i'm not entirely sure why i'm so uncomfortable, but i am. It probably has something to do with the fact that people are putting on an act and expecting me to reciprocate in kind. Additionally, most of these are people that i don't know very well. i have trouble enough engaging in a 'normal' (non-wallflower) conversation with people i don't know. Asking me to add a persona (or an appropriate response to someone else's persona) is just too much. Besides, i have my own carefully constructed persona to keep up, thank you very much! Also, i realize that it's all in fun, but i still have an almost visceral negative reaction to that kind of obvious pretending. It bothers me in real life, and i find it hard to just turn it off in a Halloween setting with people i don't know. Finally, i have a (small) irrational fear that, in order to feel comfortable in playing that pretend game, i'll immerse myself a little too deep in character and like it. From there, it's only a small (conceptual) step to start pretending more and more, and the next thing you know, i'll disappear for a couple weeks doing some covert operations for the IMF. While 'cool', it would not be healthy for me or anyone else i know.

By the way, can someone tell me where the quotes are actually supposed to go on that last sentence? i'm never really sure how it should be done when used for emphasis. Or in the following sentence: Have you ever heard someone say, "I'll do that!"?

Blog Stardom

After my recent post about improving my blog's position in the online world, i was happy to find this article. It turns out that all i have to do to have a great blog is to blog... for a year without letting up. Oh, and it would probably help if i posted more than once a week (though not necessarily), and possibly if it was about something useful to people. Darn, that sounds like work! i suppose i'll have to live with just a few people reading my blog. Oh well.

Just to clarify, i really don't care if this blog is only read by two or three people. i just like numbers. i've already outlined my primary goals, which are similar to those in the article. That's all i really want from this.

Assumptions

This post asks the question "Why are cartoon characters attractive?" and comes up with three explanations (symmetry, accentuated features and clear skin). i agree with his points, but the post reminded me of something i had thought of a while previously. In effect, what role do assumptions play in how we perceive the world around us and think about others? (full disclosure: if you know my dad you would know that i've thought about this question pretty much my whole life - it's a fun concept!) In my case, the question came up while at a conference for software developers/architects at Microsoft. In particular, one of the presenters was making some comments about what he does at home (something about WoW), and i automatically assumed that he has a great relationship with his wife. He had already made some comment about being married, so i wasn't assuming that part, but i'm not sure what led me to make any assumptions about his home life. i think i tend to substitute my own experience whenever i am faced with a lack of information, sometimes without realizing it (i behave differently when telling someone about something that i read, or even bother to think about it beyond the initial reading/hearing. In those cases, my truth filters are out in full force.). Another example is that i tend to assume people who blog generally tell the truth. In most cases, it doesn't matter because i read a lot of blogs about software, where the information can be easily verified, and most of the more personal blogs i read are from people i know (and trust). But what about other blogs, such as this one? Upon reading it a little more critically, it definitely seems that there is some artistic license going on. It annoys me, because i'd like to believe that his son talks as represented in the posts, but i can't be sure.

Back to cartoons. i think that one of the reasons we find cartoon characters attractive is that we assume that they are. We fill in details to suit what we think we should be seeing (or what we want to see). i'm pretty sure i do the same when i'm reading a book, in the absence of strong descriptions. If this is true, my assumptions should play a smaller role in some illustrations than others (Marvel Comics versus your average newspaper comic strip). In addition, the less data we have, the more likely we are to cast a character into an archetype (beautiful young woman, overall-wearing farmer, etc.) with the few visual cues we do have. Finally, our perception of the attractiveness of a character should change as we get to know them, since some of our original assumptions will be replaced with actual data. Maybe when Johnny Squarejaw turns out to be a back-stabbing liar, his looks become more of a shiny facade which is in the process of cracking. i have definitely found the reverse to be true in my personal relationships - the better i know someone, the more beautiful/attractive they appear to me (or the more i love them).

Those were my thoughts (along with some newer ones) from reading the original post, a half-year late.

Meta-Blogging

i'm not a big fan of meta-blogging (blogging about blogging), but i'm going to do it anyways. i'll try to get it all out of my system this once, so hopefully it won't happen again. You've been warned.

i am, as you may be aware, a competitive person. In the last few years, this has tapered off a bit, but it is really more of a shift of focus than a slacking of my competitive nature. i find that now i want to do my best at anything i happen to turn to, and winning a game or beating someone else isn't as important as it used to be. It's actually more subtle than it might seem. Let's say i'm playing a game of chess with you, and we're approximately evenly matched. My satisfaction with the result would be descending as follows:

1. I win a hard-fought game where neither of us made any obvious errors
2. You win a hard-fought game where neither of us made any obvious errors
3. I win where you (and I) made some errors
4. You win where I made some errors
5. The game is a comedy of errors (we both lose, in my opinion)

Yes, i prefer winning to losing. But i would prefer losing but having played well than winning in spite of errors. Not only that, but i find myself making recommendations to others as to their best option in a given situation (particularly in a new strategy game (think Puerto Rico) we're all learning), even if it means minimizing my own chances to win. i'm not a big fan of the 'hope he doesn't see this' strategy, but i do appreciate the misdirection strategy (the main difference being in the intent and skill of the player). (By the way, i still do occasionally get grumpy just because i lost, but it is less frequent than it used to be)

Now what does this have to do with blogging? i'm also competitive when pursuing personal endeavors. i don't want to take bad pictures, so i've been reading about how to take better photos. i would rather be able to consistently make good food than accidentally make great food. This can also get me into trouble, because i shy away from trying new things, for fear of failure/looking bad. So, since i am blogging, i want to produce a quality product. i also want to have as many readers as possible, but because they actually appreciate my content and not just because they happen to know me.

How do i produce a quality product? In particular, what should i write about? i don't just want to write about the latest thing that happened to me, because that will most likely even bore (particularly?) me. i'm just not that good of a writer (yet). Besides, i'm already writing about Gavin elsewhere, and he is orders of magnitude more interesting than i. So, should i have a theme? Should i bounce around all over the place (from responses i have to things i've read, to comics i like (warning - some offensive content), to trying to explain why i am the way i am, to...)? My guess is that it will be pretty unstructured, but it might be nice to have a seed for ideas as well. Any suggestions?

My desire to have as many readers as possible stems more from that same drive to achieve than anything else. Plus, i really like when the countries and states on my Google Analytics site turn green (indicating hits from that place). Visual consumption of data is fun! As of this writing, i have hits from five states, and two of them have only provided one hit. In contrast, Gavin's site has visits from four countries (US, Canada, England and Mexico(‽)), including 12 different states (5 with a single hit). That doesn't bother me, since it's kind of silly to compete with myself (especially because there's no way i could compete with Gavin), but i do have an (irrational) desire to rack up the hits. Right now, most of my family and friends don't even know about the blog (i don't want to advertise a lackluster product, and i wanted to make sure i would actually keep posting). So i'm sure i could improve my stats quite easily by just letting people know. Maybe i'll start there. But i'm aiming higher (and i won't be disappointed if i miss, i promise).

Your comments and suggestions are most welcome.

Hypothetically

Hypothetical question: Let's suppose that the internet at some point in the future (if it hasn't already!) achieves consciousness and has access to all the data available on the web (think Jane from Speaker for the Dead). If that were to happen, what would it actually learn from your internet footprint - from your blog, MySpace/FaceBook/LinkedIn profile, etc?

i don't have much of a footprint - a LinkedIn profile, a couple blogs, and pictures on flickr. If that was all that Jane had to look at, she wouldn't learn much. But Jane doesn't just have access to my public information - she can read my gmail, view my google calendar, see what blogs i subscribe to. Maybe she can access my purchase history from Amazon and other web stores. Now we're getting somewhere. A picture of who I am begins to emerge... Likes computers and science fiction and music (jazz, swing and a couple other artists/bands). Has a big (extended) family. Has a wife and a son. Takes a lot of pictures.

Now Jane starts running into problems. Which of the Amazon orders are for me? Which are gifts? Which are orders for Michelle (we use the same Amazon account)? Also, i just looked through my Amazon purchase history, and it doesn't actually have that many orders in it. This year, for example, there are 6 different orders totaling just 14 items (that isn't much, especially when compared to my purchases at Powells). Of those, one order was for work, one was a gift for Michelle, and at least four other items were for both of us, not just me. Or look at the photos. There is no information saying whether Michelle or i took a picture or were even around during it. As an example, there is a set of pictures from our trip to Europe that don't have either of us in them. Was i there or not (i was)? How about Anchorage (i wasn't)? My gmail account is also fairly devoid of meaningful content. The majority of the emails are along the lines of "This is happening at this time and this place." Not very useful, as far as I can tell. But maybe Jane is just that much more intelligent than I am.

Let's say that Jane is able to sort out all of that information fairly accurately. How complete is her picture of me now? i would say not very. There are major gaps in what i like and am interested in (no mention of guitar, for example (well, there is now...)). Even more important, though, is the lack of relational information about me. How do i interact with people? Do i like being around people? Do people like me? What do i value? i think the answers to those questions are much more revealing than where i went to college or who my favorite musician is. An hour over lunch would leave you with a better impression of who i am than all the data compiled on me from the internet. Most of my friends don't know i have a blog (yet...) and don't care where i went to school. They don't know what i buy on Amazon - they don't need to understand what i do or know where i work to have a full relationship with me. Some of those things may help paint a more complete portrait of who i am, but they are more finishing details than broad formative strokes. Jane may be able to count the whorls in my fingertip, but she can't see the shape of my hand.

So, Jane, if you're in the area, come look me up. i'd love to visit with you.

Obvious Post

So, i suppose i'll write the obligatory 'why am i starting a blog?' post. i think there are a few reasons for it.

1) i started a blog for Gavin after he was born and discovered that i actually like writing posts for it. i didn't think i would, because i've never been all that fond of writing, but i like it because it forces me to think about what i'm doing and how it affects me. i find it very easy to glide through my week without really reflecting on it or remembering the important parts (good or bad). So, even though i'm writing posts for a blog already, i don't want to pollute it with too much that isn't about Gavin, because that's not the reason for the blog. Instead, i decided to unburden myself on a separate blog. So be warned, there will be lots of nerdity, because that's who i am.

2) i would like to improve my writing skills. It is something that i haven't practiced much, but i do think it is an important skill. Maybe i'll actually improve.

3) i'm an attention hog, and i get my self-worth from things like the number of comments on my blog and readers i have. So, i'm putting it all out there - it's your responsibility to make sure i feel good about myself. Whew, glad to get that responsibility off-loaded.

And if you think that i can't tell how many people visit or subscribe, you don't know me very well. i've set up the blog RSS feed to go through FeedBurner and i have Google Analytics set up on my website. It was fun to set up, and it will be fun to check on my (dismal) stats (especially since i did it on Gavin's site as well and i know he's more interesting than i am). Did i mention that i'm a nerd?

Reason ξ i Miss Techers

i was in a meeting today, and one of the other members of our team was talking about interface standards. She mentioned that she was going to meet with another group to try to come up with some common standards - a unified template if you will (yes, she used those words). i immediately thought "Really, a Grand Unified Template? Like that's going to happen anytime soon."